I am sorry I have not written in awhile. Lots has been going on in my life. If you have read my previous posts you know that I no longer have my biological mother in my life because of bipolar, drug and alcohol problems. Recently, her role in my life has changed. We recently met up to talk things through. We met on the front steps of my house to talk. This talk went well. We did a lot of catching up. After about an hour of this catching up she told me that she thought it would be best to correct what she and I were doing wrong in our past relationship as we go along. She told me that she was willing to change as best as she can and that if anything she does bothers me to let her know so she can correct it. This is a huge step for her and it is at this precise moment that found some sort of hope. I responded that I would like to establish some things first and that I would let her know if anything came up.
I said that I will visit her but I will not sleep at her house, they will be short enough visits at first, basically I told her I wanted to do things in baby steps. I also told her that I do not want to be around her friends, I do not want to be around when she is drinking or doing drugs. I told her that I want our visits to be about me and her, getting to know each other, and not about her partying with her friends. I also told her I will not tolerate lying and that if there is anything she can not tell me, she simply has to tell me that she can not tell me instead of lying to me about it. I said I wanted to start fresh, establish trust, establish a stable relationship, that I wanted to get to know her this time around and not get to know a fake again. I made it clear that she will not be a mother figure to me but more like a friend because I already have a mother, she might not be biologically my mother but she is more of a mother to me than anyone ever could be.
Honestly, it is a huge relief to have my mother back in my life because although I pretended that it did not bother me it did constantly. It was driving me crazy, the more I tried to forget about her the more I thought about it; and this situation was hurting my grand parents way to much.
I am very aware that my mother will never change her self medicated ways, and I know she will never get help for her bipolar disorder. The thing is is that the sooner I realized that I could not make her change, the easier it was to find a solution. I can not control her, I can not make her get help but I can protect myself from the pain she has caused me in the past, I can make sure it never happens again. I can do this by spending a limited time with her, and by establishing some ground rules to protect myself. I know she will drink, do drugs, hangout with some trashy people but she will no longer do these things around me, I will not be exposed to it and I wont be stuck taking care of her. Some may find it sad that I have to make rules for my mother but I am passing her in maturity, I know what is right and wrong and she does not, therefore I do not have a choice to make these rules. I truly love my mother, that is why I can not block her out of my life, but the fact is is that she will never be a mother figure to me, that is why she has now become my friend. It is like im meeting her for the first time.