Meeting someone you’ve known your whole life for the first time

I am sorry I have not written in awhile. Lots has been going on in my life. If you have read my previous posts you know that I no longer have my biological mother in my life because of bipolar, drug and alcohol problems. Recently, her role in my life has changed. We recently met up to talk things through. We met on the front steps of my house to talk. This talk went well. We did a lot of catching up. After about an hour of this catching up she told me that she thought it would be best to correct what she and I were doing wrong in our past relationship as we go along. She told me that she was willing to change as best as she can and that if anything she does bothers me to let her know so she can correct it. This is a huge step for her and it is at this precise moment that found some sort of hope. I responded that I would like to establish some things first and that I would let her know if anything came up. 

I said that I will visit her but I will not sleep at her house, they will be short enough visits at first, basically I told her I wanted to do things in baby steps. I also told her that I do not want to be around her friends, I do not want to be around when she is drinking or doing drugs. I told her that I want our visits to be about me and her, getting to know each other, and not about her partying with her friends. I also told her I will not tolerate lying and that if there is anything she can not tell me, she simply has to tell me that she can not tell me instead of lying to me about it. I said I wanted to start fresh, establish trust, establish a stable relationship, that I wanted to get to know her this time around and not get to know a fake again. I made it clear that she will not be a mother figure to me but more like a friend because I already have a mother, she might not be biologically my mother but she is more of a mother to me than anyone ever could be. 

Honestly, it is a huge relief to have my mother back in my life because although I pretended that it did not bother me it did constantly. It was driving me crazy, the more I tried to forget about her the more I thought about it; and this situation was hurting my grand parents way to much. 

I am very aware that my mother will never change her self medicated ways, and I know she will never get help for her bipolar disorder. The thing is is that the sooner I realized that I could not make her change, the easier it was to find a solution. I can not control her, I can not make her get help but I can protect myself from the pain she has caused me in the past, I can make sure it never happens again. I can do this by spending a limited time with her, and by establishing some ground rules to protect myself. I know she will drink, do drugs, hangout with some trashy people but she will no longer do these things around me, I will not be exposed to it and I wont be stuck taking care of her. Some may find it sad that I have to make rules for my mother but I am passing her in maturity, I know what is right and wrong and she does not, therefore I do not have a choice to make these rules. I truly love my mother, that is why I can not block her out of my life, but the fact is is that she will never be a mother figure to me, that is why she has now become my friend. It is like im meeting her for the first time. 

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Him

I lay next to him tonight. I see him in a way I never have before. His grin, his eyes, his smile, his laugh, the way he looks at me; I take it in, in a way I never have before. I see it differently. Not really differently, but I see at as a reality, it clicks. I have never felt this sense of security before. I can not put into words what I feel. All I know is that when he acts all goofy, serious, compassionate, he seems to do it at all the right moments. 

I have always seen love, security, happiness as things that are temporary. i have had the ground fall from underneath me so many times that it is hard for me to comprehend those feelings as feelings that can be permanent. With him, I feel like they can be. I have known him a short time in comparison to many others in my life, but I feel as though I trust him more than anyone. I am aware that this can be dangerous for me, but I think that it is time for me to break down the walls I have created around me and let somebody in. The risk of getting hurt is, I believe, worth it. I can not pass him up. Too much is at stake. I am choosing to trust him, but most of all to trust myself, my instincts because some risks are worth taking. Some are necessary to take to reach that permanent state of happiness, security and love. I can not thank him enough for his honesty, his love, his strength, his encouragement, his listening ear, his jokes. I can never repay all he has shown and given me; most of all, I thank him for being my best friend, for believing in me. 

I am laying next to him tonight, seeing him in a new light, but also, seeing me in a new light. He has taught me so much without even knowing it, and for that I am forever grateful. Like I said the risk of losing him, losing this new me, and losing all I have gained is more terrifying than the risk of getting hurt. 

He gave me the confidence to let people in, because with him around, I know someone will always have my back, will always be there.  Thank you for supporting me and showing me that it is ok to be me. 

Step mothers

Why are step moms portrayed as such bad women? Cinderella probably did not help this way of thinking but still, I think people should be able to realize that there is a difference between movies and reality.

So I completely get that kids and teenagers don’t like the thought of someone replacing their mom, trust me I get it. As a teen I resented my step mom. I used to hate that she would tell me what to do. Who did she think she was trying to tell me what to do, she isn’t my mom. Was I right? No. If anything I should have been thankful for her. She came into my life at 5 years old, accepted that my father had a child AND agreed to help raise me? I mean, that’s no little responsibility. She loves me like I’m her own, which is pretty remarkable considering how hard I have made it sometimes to love me. She accepted that she came second, and even encouraged me to put my mom first when I still looked at my mom like she was my hero. She let me hurt her, she was hard on me, she established rules, even when she didn’t want to for me. She made herself out to be the bad guy because sometimes, that’s necessary to raise a child. She became my mom, my best friend, my rescue, anything I needed her to be, she became. Ill always love her for that. She stepped up to the plate when my mom couldn’t.

Step moms are pretty amazing if you ask me because they get through those tough hateful teenage years because they know it will be worth it in the end. They choose to be in your life, they’re not forced to be, or have some unbreakable blood link to you. They are there because they want to be. Ill never be able to repay all she’s done for me, but ill sure as hell try.

Scared

My worst fear. For some, their worst fear is spiders, or heights.. With everyone it’s different. Mine is to turn into the person who has single handily caused me the most pain in my life.

This person has caused so much pain and anger and hatred for me. As much as this person has done, she’s not all bad. Believe it or not, we used to be so close. No one has a sense of humour like she does, she’s hilarious. I could talk to her about anything. She was my best friend. We had so many amazing memories. I’ve never had a relationship like the one I had with her.

I see so much of her in myself. My attitude, my sense of humour, my ability to defend myself, my French and math skills. This, I am proud of.. But it also scares me because I also have her temper, her ability to lie easily, her mood swings, the way she has a hard time saying no. I try so hard to do better, to do the best I can, to prove I’m different because as much as I hate to admit it, she has a lot more bad than good. I want to go to university, I don’t want to be an alcoholic, a drug addict, bankrupt, jobless or alone like she is. I want to do better, be better. I want my future family and kids to be proud of me, not resent me, so they can have a great relationship with me without all the pain and disappointment. I want to be the best I can be because I don’t want to end up like her.

Ending up like her would make my worst fear become a reality… My fear of ending up like my mother.

Misery

Can happiness exist without misery?

I do not think so. Misery is a factor present in today’s society wether we like it or not. It’s not a pleasant part but it is present. What is a pleasant factor in a society is happiness. Some people experience it a lot and some a lot less. In a way people who have experienced misery many times, when happiness finally comes along, they cherish and appreciate it a lot more. If there was no sadness or hurt everything would be taken for granted.

Then again, many today take too much for granted. Family, money, friends, feelings, actions and most of all happiness are all things taken for granted. Maybe what we need is more misery to snap us out of this state of mind.

Why

A couple weeks ago, I got into work and found out that we had just hired a few new people at work. One of them I was working with while she was being trained. She seemed nice. Anyways, a few days later I ended up working with her again. Two of my female co-workers came in to check their hours. Once the new girl realized that the two co-workers were together, she said, pretty loud too “you guys are together? thats fucking disgusting”. I swear, the hole place went dead silent. I was honestly so speechless… I think everyone was.

My two co-workers ended up reporting this incident to the head manager. This new girl got suspended for a week…not fired..suspended.

This isnt even the worst of it. The day she got back, she yelled at one of our best customers for absolutely no reason, causing a scene. The new girl was not reprimanded for this incident. To add onto this, she continuously makes negative comments towards the lesbian couple at my work, getting again, no consequences.

I shared this story with you because I think it is a little ridiculous. Nobody should get away with this. She is ruining the progress this world is making. This worlds way of thinking has evolved so much. People like this are slowing us down, are hurting people… they’re sickening. As much as I dislike these people, the people not taking the necessary actions to prevent, or attempt to stop people from saying these kinds of things are just as bad. People over looking these situations to avoid having to deal with them deserve as little respect as the people actually saying these things.

Bottom line is, I think this is sad.. but these things happen everywhere. Not as much as before, but it still happens. 

Decisions

I have recently gone through one of the toughest decisions ive ever had to make in my life. Along with that decision came others. I have yet to make another tough decision, the decision whether or not I want to continue talking to my ex step dad or not. He has been in my life for 11 years now. I have to admit, he is a little rough around the edges and he makes impulsive, and therefore bad decisions at times, but he honestly means well. He had a difficult past. He was shipped from foster home to foster home and his mom dad used to beat him.
He has hurt my mother in the past, emotionally… but she also claims that he has hit her.. but my mother is unstable, and she can be very pushy, she tends to push people till they snap.. she also lies alot so im not exactly sure what is true out of that. My step dad is definitely my hero. I love him to death, and he has promised to never lie to me and never has. He has shown up to all my sporting events, bought me christmas presents with the few dollars he had, when I was ever upset he was there in a heartbeat.. he was always there when my mother wasnt. Even when my mother broke up with him, he was still there for me. He says im his world, he calls me his daughter. He might be this big, tough, biker guy, but hes a softy inside all that toughness. My step dad had absolutely nothing, he was dealt some of the worst cards in life, yet he still became a guy with a big heart, a guy who tries to do whats best. He is loyal, honest and sweet… yet my mother was given everything: a stable home, an education, money, and she threw it all away like it was nothing, and became a pretty awful person. After seeing this contrast, my respect for my step dad grew a hole bunch.

Ok so all this seems amazing, but the thing is, it is possible he hit my mother, he has done some pretty wrong things in life. I feel like I am betraying my mother by talking to him and so does she. She no longer talks to me, but I still feel like I am betraying her. Also, I am putting him in danger. She calls the cops on him all the time, whenever she can, even when its only him picking his stuff up or because she asked him to come over. I feel like it is because it is the only way she can get me to stop talking to him.  I feel like I am fueling her anger and thats what is getting him into trouble. He has been in big touble with the law before, the cops dont tend to take his side on things, so that makes matters worse.

Bottom line is, I dont know what to do, keep him in my life for my own selfish need to have him there, or let him go for his own good….
Decisions, decisions….

Oblivious

I used to find it so crazy how a girl could be so oblivious as to when her boyfriend was cheating on her, or vice versa. All the signs are there. Why can’t she see it? Everyone knows. But then when she finally finds out.. She gives him that second chance? Is she stupid? Everyone knows he’s going to do it again. Everyone knows, no one would dare tell her though. Instead they talk behind her back and look at her with pity. I used to look at these girls with a lack of respect. I realize now that that was so so wrong. If anything, they deserve quite a bit of respect. Love blinds. Even if the love is not pure or if it is a one way street. When a girl is cheated on by a guy that they love, they go into denial. Once they finally find out the truth, they want to become the good girlfriend, that takes the bad boy back, so she can save him. That’s also the reason girls go after the bad boys, they think they can save them. Usually they can’t. I learned that the hard way. I used the example of a guy cheating on a girl, but it can very well be the other way around.

The difference between a mother and a mom.

Ok so i’m one of those people that believe that you have to earn the term mom. I dont mean by giving birth, thats not earning it. Ya ok, I get that its painful and all, but the person who is giving birth, made a choice at some point for that pain, wether it be a bad choice for them or a good one. Many mothers act like because they gave birth to a child they deserve some extra respect. This shouldnt be the case. Why give someone more respect because they went through pain THEY chose to go through.

If you have read one of my previous posts about my mother, you’ll know that she is not a part of my life. Just because she chose to block me out does not mean that this is why I think this way. It just opened my eyes to a lot of things. It showed me that a mom, is someone who is there for you, who is your bestfriend but also someone who is tough on you. Ever heard of “tough love”?  Well a mom will do this because they have to, not because they want to. Actually, they really dislike doing it but they know they have to, to give their child boundaries and discipline to prepare them for the real world.

To be completely honest, I used to absolutely hate my step mom. In my eyes she was over protective, never let me do anything and I thought she hated me. It got me even more mad because when I went to my mothers, she let me do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I looked at my mother like she was my hero. A few years later, I started understanding that my mother was never there when I needed her, and the reason she let me do whatever I want is because she was either out with her friends or too drunk and high to care. She never came to any schooling events, sporting events.. nothing. When I realized this, I realized my real hero was my step mom.. who I now proudly call my mom. I love her more than anything. She was strong enough to be my mom, to stand by me even when she knew I didnt want her to, even if that meant she had to play the bad guy for a little while. She did it because she knew I needed her, more than ever. She is the one who made time for me, took care of me, helped me through tough times, even if im not biologically hers. She earned the term mom. She is my mom. No one else can ever change that.

Trust and lies

Ive been hurt in the past and I’ve kinda shut myself off from everyone since then. I know I’ve hurt people by doing that, and I’m sorry for that. I haven’t just been hurt by an ex but by friends and family as well. I guess you could say I have trust issues. But If you think about it though, who doesn’t these days? It is so hard to trust anyone anymore. How do we know who someone really is? They could be anyone. Evil or good. And that’s a scary thought.

What I’ve learned is that you can’t isolate yourself because that wont solve anything. The most you can do is be more vigilant and carful. You can’t hurt the people you love or not trust them because of someone else’s lies. Everyone deserves a chance at trust. No one should have it taken away before they are given the chance to prove that they deserve it.

By giving everyone the chance to gain your trust, you are increasing your chances at getting hurt; if you don’t give everyone that chance you’ll miss out on, what is supposed to be, some of the best moments of your life.